Submitted Anonymously
In February of 2018, I saw the two lines on the pregnancy test. My husband and I were very much open to life as we practiced Natural Family Planning and knew there was a chance we were pregnant. We were overjoyed and anxious about the positive test result! I called my doctor and went in the next day to confirm pregnancy. She confirmed pregnancy and checked my progesterone levels as we knew I had mild PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome).
The next day, my doctor called to tell us my progesterone levels were VERY low, and I needed progesterone suppositories as well as injections right away to try to bring my levels up. Since this was my first pregnancy, I did not know much of what this all meant, but we were able to get the medication quickly. As our excitement grew, we were able tell my husband’s family the news within a week and scheduled an ultrasound for the week after.
We knew it was still early when we went to the ultrasound, probably at only about seven to eight weeks, but we should have been able to see the gestational sac, heartbeat, and get a measurement of exactly how far along I was. Unfortunately, as we watched the technician scan side-to-side, we did not see a gestational sac or hear a heartbeat. The technician told us that it could just be a little too early, that she would pass along the pictures to our doctor, and we were scheduled to come back in two weeks. We left the doctor’s office a bit distraught, but still hopeful that we would see our little baby next time.
Shortly after, as we traveled to see my family, our doctor called. She was concerned about my progesterone levels again - they retested after the ultrasound - and they were not rising, as well the fact that we did not see anything on the ultrasound. She tried to sound hopeful, but I could tell hope was diminishing. As my husband and I cried in the car, we tried to remain hopeful. We got to my parents and told them the news, but also that we did not see anything on the ultrasound. We were able to share our raw and real emotions with them, but remained hopeful in whatever was God’s plan.
The days went by slowly, I continued my progesterone injections, and took care of myself. At our next ultrasound, the technician was still unable to see anything. We walked from the ultrasound room to a regular doctor’s room and waited for our doctor to talk to us. We sat there and cried. By now, we were over a month from the original positive test that gave us so much joy and light. We knew our baby existed from the day he or she was conceived. We loved our baby. We still love our baby.
My body naturally miscarried a few days later. My husband stood with me through the pain and suffering as we experienced it together. The miscarriage happened during Holy Week, and my husband reached out to a priest to help us remember this life that was once inside of me. We were able to have an intimate ceremony with just the three of us on Good Friday. As the priest talked with us, he explained that it was providential that we were able to celebrate this life on Good Friday because, as Jesus’ death brought suffering but so much joy and peace, this life had brought us suffering but also joy and peace in knowing that God would bring us through it.
Although some days, I still do not understand why we had a miscarriage, I know that God had a plan through it all. My husband and I decided to name that baby Grace even though we did not know the gender. We felt that it was a girl and know that God was able to give us His grace through the time that we had with the baby and all of the time after.
Less than a year later, I saw two lines on another pregnancy test. Excited to show my husband when he got home from work, I walked around the house in disbelief that I was seeing them again. I always wondered if we would be able to get pregnant again or if it would end in another miscarriage. I showed my husband the test; we cried, hugged, and cried some more. We were SO excited for this little life but also scared that we could have another miscarriage. We turned all of our prayers to the Lord by calling on Our Lady of Guadalupe, patroness of the unborn, and knew that we would leave it all up to Him.
Nine months later, we had our beautiful baby girl. God gave us hope and strength throughout our miscarriage and then pregnancy of our daughter. He helped us to cling to Him to make Him the center of everything. We know that our daughter and, God-willing, future children will know about baby Grace because she was a life inside of me and will not be forgotten. We know that she is watching over us as we continue to go through this beautiful life.