By Ali Cramblit
I have two white stones with a heart engraved on top. That’s all I have of my babies in heaven. I have no pictures, no sonograms, no remembrance of a heartbeat. Just two white stones that sit next to photos of the two babies I have held and are growing and thriving today.
My husband and I conceived shortly after we were married in March of 2017. We were shocked, but very excited. This pregnancy did not develop, and it ended at 12 weeks. We conceived again in September. This time we ended up with a healthy baby boy in July 2018. Fast forward six months and I find out we’ve conceived again. What a shocker this was. Our son was wearing a big brother shirt and he could barely sit up on his own. We were excited and ready to embrace another life. Sadly, this pregnancy ended with a miscarriage at 10 weeks in March 2019. In August of 2019 we conceived another baby boy who was born in June 2020.
Needless to say, our journey to a family of four has had its ups and downs. I stated that we had nothing to remember our lost babies by but two little white stones. This is because both of my miscarriages were considered blighted ova (an empty womb in a sense). Together with God, we conceived a baby, but the dear little ones didn’t develop past a fertilized egg. However, my body continued to perceive that I was pregnant. This led to eight weeks of thinking I was pregnant to only see an empty womb in a sonogram. Then it led to several more weeks for my body to realize no person was growing inside me. The waiting was horribly long.
One afternoon in mid-July 2017 after our first miscarriage I was floating in the water at my parents’ lake house by myself. I was really reflecting hard on the loss and it really had me down. I started talking to God while I was floating on the water. I had lots of questions for him and was very down and confused. I was nervous for the future and scared we would never become parents. After a while, I had a really clear thought come to mind. I was never meant to meet that baby on Earth because he/she was meant for something else. He was meant to go before us and meet us in heaven. It was a beautiful comforting thought to have. It brought me much peace in the coming months and then again after our next miscarriage. I have hope and I pray that God has sent these souls before me as an intercessor for our family. God sure sent me a strong message that day while I sat on the lake.
The loss of a child at any point in their life brings unimaginable pain to the parents. Not having any memories with a child is hard. The pain of seeing that empty womb is not a memory I want to hold on to. So, I grasp on to those two white stones because that’s all I have. I hold onto my sons and remember how God has blessed us with them and allowed us to be their parents. I also have the thought that the two babies my husband and I created with God, might be Saints making way for us on Earth until we get to join them in Heaven one day.